Bee Brain

Bee Brain

11"X14" Framed Acrylic painting on paper

Artist: ME!  Eli

Theme:  I didn't realize it at the time, but this is a self portrait.  My thoughts come quickly and buzz in my brain, working away, becoming obsessive until a new thought comes along or I've gone too far.  I am also concerned with what is inside.  This applies to all aspects of my life.  What's inside my body, what's inside that box, what's inside that liquid sitting on the counter?  I imagine the worst, and to me that's biological.  Some bees escape, and I am revealed.

Today's obsession:  Shaun/Shawn/Sean.  Shaun is a character in my life who I have been obsessed with for over a year now.  It's not so much that I want to be with him in any capacity, it's that he is the unique.  He came into my work as a customer.  6'5", tattooed, tethered to 2 metal walking canes, needing my help.  He tells me he was in a motorcycle accident, and lost his ability to walk due to a spinal chord injury.  I say, But you're walking?  and he says, It's a miracle.

Being schizophrenic has its advantages.  A miracle in my mind has the full impact that the word should imply.  People use the term loosely to describe a nearly impossible situation come true.  I think of it as divine intervention.  That God had chosen this man to walk because he needed him to be, or needed him to overcome gravity.

We talked.  About cars, art, life.  I helped him to his car, and nearly tripped while going out the door.  Despite his inability to help, he asked if I was ok.  He genuinely was concerned over my well being, and stated that he could always get new stuff if ruined, but I was not replaceable.  While at his 1960s black mustang we talked more, and he gave me my first tip in my line of work.

That time I thought about him every day for about 3 weeks.  I wished and willed him to come back in.  Just one more moment.  The bees were busy and I was ready with the honey that would flow if I could just have the chance to see him one more time.

It was 6-7 months before he came in again needing help.  I had mentally moved on to more unobtainable obsessions, and was caught by surprise by his presence.  He was stronger, needing less assistance with walking, and had moved on to a simple cane.  He was as beautiful as I remembered him being.  I was flustered, giddy...manic.  I helped him, we talked about life, and he even stated that "I enjoy spending time with you."  I even met his mother who was visiting!  It took me 30 minutes to get to a point where I could talk without the manic button being pushed.  I prattled on with the next customer telling them that I had such a crush on that man, that man who was just here.  You couldn't miss him.

This time it took me 3 months before I awoke not thinking about him.  Again wishing and willing him to just call, need my help, just want to see me as much as I want to see him.  It has again been 6-7  months since his last visit, and today I am wanting him just as palpably as I did the day after.  I am obsessed.

ob·sess

 [uhb-ses]

verb (used with object)

1.

to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of (a person); beset, trouble, or haunt persistently or abnormally: Suspicion obsessed him.

verb (used without object)

2.

to think about something unceasingly or persistently; dwell obsessively  upon something.